Moving Mom or Dad: Should they live with you?

Especially if they do not live close by or clearly are not managing well, you may wonder whether you should invite them to move in with you.

Before making an offer, ask yourself the following questions and take time to honestly and thoroughly answer each one.

Interpersonal issues

What kind of relationship do the two of you have? How do others in your household get along with your parent? Any personality clashes will be magnified when you are living under the same roof.

Your needs

Consider your physical and mental health. Would you be able to provide hands-on assistance if needed? Could you cope with the ongoing stress involved in primary caregiving?

Your family’s needs

If there are others in your household, what do they think of your parent moving in? It’s crucial to have their support in order to make it work. Would you still have enough time to devote to them?

Lifestyle issues

If you are employed, how might the primary caregiver role impact on your work? How would it affect your social life, vacation plans and other pursuits? Decide what adjustments you’re prepared to make.

Your parent’s needs

Determine what kind of assistance your parent requires and how much time it involves. Can they be left alone? If they’ve been diagnosed with a progressive disease, how will their needs change?

Available support

What kind of support would family members be willing to provide to help make this work? Perhaps they could accompany your parent to appointments, have them over for dinner, or periodically take them into their home for the weekend. There are many possibilities for sharing care.

What kinds of community support services are available to assist you in meeting your parent’s needs, now or in the future? Find out about accessible transportation services, seniors’ recreation centers, day programs, home healthcare services that offer nursing, homemaking and various types of therapy, and residential respite programs.

If you live in a different town, how easy would it be to link your parent with needed medical supports, such as a new primary physician?

Finances

Give thought to how household expenses would be shared. Find out, too, whether your parent has savings or insurance that would cover the cost of medical equipment or healthcare services. If not, are you able to pay for them?

Home setup

Is there sufficient space in your home to meet everyone’s needs? Would your parent have separate quarters?
Consider, too, your home’s accessibility. Would renovations be needed, and if so, what is the estimated cost and who would pay it?

Your expectations

What are your expectations in terms of your parent’s participation in the household? Would you want them to help in practical ways, such as preparing meals, if they’re well enough?


Parent’s wishes

Would your parent want to move in? If so, can you anticipate their expectations in terms of privacy, financial arrangements and practical help if appropriate?

Other options

Before making any decisions, explore alternatives: in-home services, adult day care programs, live-in help, an assisted living facility or a skilled nursing home. Determine whether any of these options are appropriate and affordable. Consider the least disruptive ones first.

The decision

If you conclude that moving your parent in with you is not feasible, help them develop a workable plan, whether it’s arranging in-home services or finding another place to live. Provide as much support as possible.

If you decide to move your parent in, allow plenty of time for everyone involved to adjust to the inevitable changes in family dynamics and household routines.
 Most challenges can be worked through if all parties are committed to making the arrangement work.

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Lisa M. Petsche is a social worker and a freelance writer specializing in boomer and senior concerns. She has personal and professional experience with elder care.